


all i wanna do is go home with you

by QQI25



Category: The Martian (2015), The Martian - All Media Types, The Martian - Andy Weir
Genre: Angst, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Nightmares
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-02
Updated: 2017-09-02
Packaged: 2018-12-23 00:09:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11977986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QQI25/pseuds/QQI25
Summary: After coming back to Earth, Mark has a shitton of issues, but Chris is always there for him to talk to. On an impulse one night while they're talking, Chris says he'll go to Mark on the next available flight, and a visit turns into a visit a week. Before Mark knows it, Chris is at Mark's more than not, and he can't find anything to complain about there.





	all i wanna do is go home with you

**Author's Note:**

> i can't belive the martian movie came out 2 years ago wowza! if u ask me it was total shit and all the personality of the book was lost but that's none of my business. anyways, i hope you enjoy! 
> 
> the title is from the song Touch, by Shura, which came on as i was uploading this.

He gasped and sat up, and Beck was by his side in a moment. 

"Hey, hey, shhh it's okay. It's okay, Mark. You're not on Mars anymore. There's nothing to worry about. I'm here, we all are. You're safe." He was running his fingers soothingly  
through Mark's hair, and his other hand was in Mark's. Mark was gripping it so hard, squeezing it like a lifeline. He slowly nodded and sank back down. 

"Thanks Chris," he said shakily. 

"Of course. Good night Mark." 

\---------------

"Mark, I know you still get those nightmares. When we get home, if you need to, call me. I mean it. I'll try to help you. I also recommend you get a therapist. It'll help," Beck said sternly. 

"Yes, doctor. I understand."

"I'm serious, Mark." 

"I know." 

\---------------

The reason he lived alone was simply this: he was a burden. He knew it. He still had those nightmares, and his panic attacks, and the little things he had to do, all those fears. It would probably annoy his parents and Beck too much. Same with a potential partner. They probably didn't want to have to deal with all that. He and his PTSD and anxiety, they were a package deal. He got that. And no one else should have to deal with it. It was his. 

Even though he understood when Beck had told him to get a therapist, he didn't really understand. That was the best way to put it. He didn't get what the point was in burdening someone else with his problems. It wouldn't get rid of the dreams. 

As if on cue, Beck called him. 

"Hey Mark. How'd the check-up go?" He went to a check-up now every few weeks. At first, they'd asked if he wanted a doctor to come to him instead of him just going there himself. He'd refused because he didn't want them to do more than they already were for him. 

"Same as always. The diet plan thing they have me on is working. My ribs seem okay, thanks to you, Dr. Beck." 

"That's good. Haha I know. What can I say? I have talent. Now let's talk about your mental health. Have you thought about going to see a therapist?" 

"I have, I just ... Chris? I don't see ... what's the point in getting one? It's not gonna take away the dreams." 

"It's not," he admitted. “But wouldn't it help to let it out? To tell someone what you're feeling and thinking instead of keeping that all inside? Remember, Mark, this is their job. They want to do this. They want to help you. You won't be bothering them. Okay? Just keep that in mind when you're considering." 

"Okay. But Chris, I don't want to take meds." 

"It's not certain that they'll give you them. But why not?"

"Because," he sighed. Then he said quietly, "because I don't want to lose myself."

"Oh Mark, you're not gonna lose yourself. That's not what happens. Were you always this sad, mellow person?"

"No." 

"Then you're not losing yourself. It's the opposite; you're finding yourself. Sometimes you'll be sad, and sometimes you'll be happy, and meds help you to be happy. They help you to be like your usual self. Okay? It'll be alright. Trust me." 

"Okay. I'll think about it."

"That's good to hear. Then I'll talk to you later?" 

"Talk to you later." He hung up and pushed away the thought of Chris being there to hug him and stroke his hair and hold him. He didn’t need to burden other people with his stuff. 

\---------------

Mark woke up and slowly pushed himself into a sitting position. The rain was pounding his window and he whimpered. How was he gonna survive? What if the HAB broke? What if he died because he didn’t have his suit on? He spotted the phone next to him and dialed Chris. Maybe he’d know. Doctors should know. 

“Chris?” 

“Mark? You okay? What’s wrong?” 

“There’s a storm outside. What am I supposed to do? What if the HAB doesn’t hold up? I don’t even have my suit close by.” He let out a soft sob. 

“Mark, I want you to take deep breaths, okay? Breathe in, and breathe out. In, out, in, out.” Mark breathed in time to Chris’s words and eventually calmed down a bit. 

“Okay so far? Now close your eyes and open them. Take in your surroundings. There’s your bedroom door, and your closet, and your desk, and your bedside table, and your dresser. Right? You’re at home. You’re not on Mars anymore. You’re on Earth, and you’re safe. Okay?” Mark choked back a sob and nodded. Why couldn't Chris be there with him? He needed someone to touch, so he could be sure this wasn't a dream. 

"Chris, why aren't you here? I wish you were here. It gets really lonely sometimes." 

"Mark ... You know what? Tomorrow, I'm gonna see when I can fly there, see if there are any available flights." 

"Really?" Mark breathed. “Do you promise?” 

"Yup. I promise. But it's still too early to wake up, Mark. Do you wanna try to go back to sleep?" 

"But what about the storm?" 

"Put me on speaker phone. I'll talk to you, okay? I'll stay on the line until you've fallen asleep."

"Okay." He did as Chris told him, then put the phone down on the pillow next to him. Chris started talking to him about everything. He talked about his life over there, told him about what he did and how he was before he joined the mission, talked about the wishes he had as a little kid. If Mark closed his eyes, he could pretend there was someone else with him. He could pretend he wasn't all alone. Those thoughts comforted him, and he soon fell back asleep. 

"I miss you. I wasn't sure what to do if you really were dead, or if you died while waiting there. I'm really glad I was able to catch you. I'm really glad you don't seem mad at me," Chris admitted quietly when he was sure Mark was asleep. "Good night." He waited a few minutes, then hung up. 

\---------------

Chris went on the website for Spirit. They had no available flights for tomorrow, so he checked a few other websites. Luckily, there were still a few spots open here and there, so he picked the cheapest one and paid. He didn't want to know what would happen if there weren't seats open; he'd already left Mark alone once, and that was more than enough times. What would Mark think of him if he did it again? 

This trip would just be for the weekend, although Chris suspected there would be more of these to come. He got out his backpack and started planning what he would bring. Chris needed probably the bare minimum: clothes, a notebook, some pens and pencils, and a book. He figured that would be enough, so he quickly packed and went back to bed. 

\---------------

There was a gentle knock on the door and Mark went to get it. 

"Hey Mark," Chris said with a smile. Mark hugged him tightly. 

"You came."

"Yup. I'm here. Do I get the grand tour?" 

"Right, yeah." Mark showed Chris around his house and finished with the room Chris would be staying in. He set his bag down and followed Mark back to the couch in the living room. 

"D'you want a massage?" Mark nodded vigorously and Chris laughed. 

"Haven't gotten one in so long," he said wistfully. 

"Yeah, that happens when you have broken ribs." Mark laid down on his stomach on the couch and Chris sat behind him. He started massaging and Mark let out a sigh. 

"So are there plans for this weekend?" 

"Oh. No." He sounded guilty. 

"It's okay. We'll make plans together then. Are there any places I should go, popular tourist destinations?" 

“Well we could go to The Bean.” 

“Hmm sure. Sounds interesting.” They stayed like that for a while, Chris massaging Mark. The presence of another person was enough, even if there wasn't conversation. 

\-------------

It became a regular thing, Chris visiting Mark. Every weekend without fail, Chris would show up at Mark’s doorstep. It became so that Chris eventually got a key to Mark’s apartment so that he didn't have to wake Mark up. He would make breakfast for the two of them, then let himself in Mark’s bedroom and watch for any sign of a nightmare.  
He started leaving some clothes here, putting them in the closet of the guest bedroom. Well, it was practically his bedroom now. He mused about moving in. He wouldn't be opposed to it, but would Mark?

\-------------

When Chris stopped coming, Mark panicked, but he realized quickly that he knew this would happen. Chris didn't need Mark in his life. Mark was probably a burden. He was probably annoying to Chris. He hated it though. No Chris meant no one to talk to. No one to spend time with. It threw off his schedule because suddenly his schedule wasn't there. No one was coming on the weekends, so there was no set event, nothing to look forward to. No Chris meant no one to help him when he had nightmares. When he got nightmares, he didn't call Beck. He stayed in bed, rocking back and forth, crying and trying to keep it together. It didn't really work. 

One thing that changed though, was that he started seeing a therapist. Of course it wasn't going to help as much as having Beck around, but nothing was. It did help to let out those feelings and those nightmares though, and his self-esteem rose a bit.

Things pretty much stayed that way until he got a call. A glance at the screen showed him it was Chris. He freaked out. Was this going to be a goodbye call? Was he going to say he had someone? Was he going to say the weekend visits were permanently over? He didn't want that to happen. He couldn't talk to Beck if he was on the verge of a breakdown. In the end, he left his phone ringing. He texted Beck a few minutes later, apologizing and saying that he hadn't heard it. Beck replied that it was alright and that he’d try calling again and to this time answer. No backing out this time. 

“Hey Mark! I'm really sorry. I know I haven't been over in about a month, but I've been busy. I just- Mark? Are you okay? Are you crying? What’s wrong?” 

“Is this a goodbye call?” He barely got it out. He was terrified and he was crying and it was starting to mess with his breathing and this was not how it was supposed to go he was supposed to pretend like he had it together he couldn't make Chris worry more. 

“Mark, oh god no, this isn't a goodbye call. I'm so sorry. I know I haven't been over in like a month now, but I promise you this isn't a goodbye call. Why would I ever wanna say goodbye to you?” 

“Because I'm annoying." He sniffled. "Then what was the real reason you called?”

“Oh you're not annoying at all, Mark. Has anyone ever shown any sign of being annoyed by you? The real reason I called was because I was wondering if it was okay to move in with you. I practically live there, and I wouldn't mind spending every day with you and always seeing you.” 

“Oh. It would always be okay to move in with me.” 

“Yeah? Okay. See the thing is I've been thinking about this for a while and I knew you would most likely say yes. I've been packing my stuff and looking for someone to buy my place, and guess what? It's sold, and I have a moving van and I'll be there again Saturday. That okay with you?” 

“Yeah.” He rubbed his eyes with the back of his hands. 

“Don't cry, okay? I'll be with you soon. It’ll be Saturday before we know it, and I'll be there, and this time, I won't be leaving again.” 

“I miss you.” 

“I know. I'm sorry. I miss you too. But I'll be there soon, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“You haven't been calling me. Less nightmares?”

“Not really,” Mark admitted. “I just thought I’d be bothering you because you haven't been coming. But I did get a therapist, like you said.”

“Yeah? How is it?”

“It's good. My therapist is really nice. I've talked to her about my nightmares, and what I'm feeling. She’s given me some exercises to do for when I feel horrible. She said I'm pretty strong, and that I don't seem like I need meds right now.”

“That’s awesome, Mark! I'm happy for you.”

“Thanks. So you’re coming Saturday, right?”

“Yup. See you Saturday.”

“Okay. Bye Chris.”

“Bye Mark.”

\----------------- 

“Hey Mark, I didn't forget what you said about your nightmares, and I’m so sorry. I guess now that I think about it, it must’ve been horrible. No visits from me and no explanation. But you must realize by now that you’re not a bother to me. You’ve never been a bother to me. Why do you think you’re a bother to anyone? Did someone ever tell you that? They're lying, by the way.”

“I don't know, Chris. But it's just,” Mark blew out a breath and paused before continuing. “It's just, they’ve already done so much for me, y’know? They worked so hard and everyone was teaming up with everyone, and I'm just one person. I'm not even an important person. And don't protest. You know it's true. I'm a fucking botanist for chrissake! Psh who needs a botanist on Mars? I'm sure you guys’d make it without me. You see what I mean? Everyone’s already worked so hard to help me, and I need help again, but they’ve already done so much and I feel like it's unfair for me to ask more from anyone.”

“Cut your shit, Mark. You're not important? If you really weren’t important, do you honestly think they’d have taken you in the first place? And we’d make it without you? Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah we made it without you, but that's because we thought you were fucking dead, and even then we were just barely scraping by! It was fucking awful, okay? Everyone was finding a way to blame themselves, and we were just fucking pitiful, okay? Would you call that making it? Because I don't.” Chris sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “I'm sorry, Mark. I didn't mean to explode on you. It’s just - you matter more to us than you may think, okay? We care about you a lot, and it kinda broke us when we found out you ‘died’. I mean it probably wasn’t as bad as it was for you, being all alone up there. Sorry. But we were kinda alone too. Lewis kinda started internalizing. We tried to cope in our own ways but carry on as best we could. It was awful for me, thinking that my best friend had died. But then finding out you were alive? That was even worse. Because we had left you alone. Because I declared you dead.” Chris was crying. They both were. 

“Chris, Chris, I don’t blame you. I never blamed you guys. If you hadn’t left, we’d all have been dead by now. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” 

“It’s so hard to believe that sometimes. It’s okay Mark, it’s okay. I’m not mad at you.” 

\-----------------  
Mark was a lot happier these days. He had fallen back into a routine again, his house didn't feel quite so big and lonely, and he didn't feel quite so lonely. There was someone to laugh at his jokes, there was someone to comfort him when he had nightmares, there was someone to go places with, there was someone. He didn't know when, but somewhere in the course of events, from his time with everyone in the crew to his weekends spent with Chris to living with Chris, he had started developing somewhat of a crush on him. It was strange, honestly. It made him think about being a teenager again. Sometimes Chris made him start feeling flustered. More often than not, he found himself starting to notice things about Chris that he hadn’t before. 

One day when they were just lazing around playing board games, they had somehow gotten from play fighting to Chris straddling Mark. 

“This okay?” Chris asked in a low voice. His face was slowly inching towards Mark. All Mark could do was nod, and then they were kissing. Chris touched his tongue to Mark’s lips and he opened his mouth, moaning softly. And then they were kissing for real and Mark was sure there was nothing that could compare, no one that could compare, he was sure this was the best thing on earth, Chris was the best thing on earth, and he hoped they would be together for a long time because he realised just how much he loved Chris and how Chris probably loved him just as much and he thought this was perfect and he thought he would never forget this and he thought he was so glad he was here on earth the same time Chris was.

**Author's Note:**

> oof this is a really long one! i'm kinda spamming with fics right now because i have multiple finished fics in the notes of my phone and i have homework that i don't want to do.


End file.
